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The Biggest Red Flag That Your Partner is Not "The One"

You have a date with your new love interest on Friday, so you start planning on Tuesday.  What will you wear?  How should you behave?  What will you talk about?  If you are spending an inordinate amount of time strategizing your outfit, your hairstyle, and even your conversation topics before going on a date with your new paramour, you are probably not dating the right person. 
How do you feel when the two of you are together?  Amorous or anxious? Experiencing stage frightevery time the two of you go on a date, hoping you look good enough, are charming enough, or say all of the right things, is an uncomfortable, awkward way to spend an evening, and signals that you are probably in a relational mismatch.  Sure, he or she might be a great person, but not for you.
Stage Fright: Performance AnxietyPredicts Failure
A date should not feel like a performance.  Dinner conversation should not feel like a police interrogation under a harsh spotlight.  Although your emotions are subjective, and your partner likely has no idea of the stress you are feeling, your anxiety will not sustain a successful relationship. 
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In the long run, no one wants to continue participating in an activity that creates stress and discomfort.  Whether it is a dangerous sport, a speaking engagement, or aleadership role that requires taking on heavy responsibility, we are unable (and ultimately unwilling) to remain in a state of heightened anxiety and mental distress. 
And with good reason.  Performance anxiety is the opposite of well-being. Sure, it is natural to want to make a good impression on your new love interest.  But if you are overly self-conscious, you are definitely not enjoying the relationship the way that you should.  Even taking into consideration the fact that some people are naturally insecure, your significant other should make you feel comfortable being you.
Emotional Intoxication: Healthy or Harmful?
Ok, so you still get excited thinking about the next date with your new paramour, feelings of inadequacy and all.  Isn´t that a good thing?  Not necessarily.  Your enthusiasm does not guarantee reciprocity, and expectancy does not create chemistry.  In other words, excitement and anticipation are not the standards by which to judge whether or not you are in a healthy relationship. 
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Dating someone who arouses feelings of inadequacy and self-critique makes for an unhealthy, uncomfortable relationship.  Mackinnon et al. in “Caught in a Bad Romance” (2012) note that perfectionistic concerns such as harsh self-scrutiny and extreme reactions to perceived failures create vulnerability to depression.[i]
Yet even if you are prone to self-critique, there are ways to maximize the chances of selecting partners who make you feel good about yourself.  Who validate and affirm who you are—not who you wish you were.  The key is to learn to recognize the difference between infatuation and attachment.

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